1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,158
    Likes Received:
    293,973
    Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
     
    #13881
  2. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #13883
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,018
    Likes Received:
    232,213
    please log in to view this image
     
    #13884
  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,018
    Likes Received:
    232,213
    English woman's phobia of Scots accent makes her 'feel sick' when she hears it
    She said: "If I hear a Scottish accent, I literally start to panic."




    NEWS
    By
    Chelsea Heatley
    Kaitlin EastonReporter
    • 10:41, 27 OCT 2022
    • UPDATED11:57, 27 OCT 2022
    please log in to view this image
    Enter your postcode for local news and info

    please log in to view this image

    Kirsty Baker has a phobia of Scottish accents (Image: HotSpot Media)
    A woman who is terrified of Scottish accents has revealed the fear is so severe it causes her to experience heart palpitations and nausea.

    Kirsty Baker has even turned down dates because of her irrational fear and winces at the sound of the Celtic twang. Going to extreme lengths to avoid it at all costs, the 32-year-old from Hampshire switches off the TV and radio as soon as she hears the accent and has been doing so since she was a child.

    She said: "If I hear a Scottish accent, I literally start to panic. My heart races and I feel really sick. It's awful."
     
    #13885
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,018
    Likes Received:
    232,213
    please log in to view this image
     
    #13886

  7. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,018
    Likes Received:
    232,213
    Nothing pisses off my Postie quite like asking him if he's enjoyed his holiday. "I've not been on holiday, I've been on strike !!"
     
    #13888
  9. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
  10. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
  11. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #13891
  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #13892
  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #13893
    Taffvalerowdy likes this.
  14. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
  15. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....

    Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

    A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

    Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

    A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

    A: 'Yes, sir.'

    Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

    A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
     
    #13895
    Makemstine Roger and Ranger4ever like this.
  16. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
    In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

    His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

    The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
     
    #13896
  17. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
    The guys at the golf club asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

    I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.
     
    #13897
  18. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
  19. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    137,295
    Likes Received:
    256,391
  20. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently, I’m still lost…
     
    #13900
    kiwiqpr likes this.

Share This Page