An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War Two, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?'
My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified. "Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth - isn't that right, nurse?" "Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father.
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?" "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" "No, they spread."
Paddy and Seamus are watching the footy at Paddy's house, when the match has finished it's raining cats and dogs so paddy says " ya can't go home in that Seamus I'll make the spare bed up"......when paddy comes downstairs Seamus is stood there soaking wet, " what the feck happened Seamus".....he says "I went home to get my pyjamas
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
English phrases that mean a lot to Englishmen ill be there in a minute its ok mate finish your **** first................................................................... sorry couldn't resit mate
Prison vs. work IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle. IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day. AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet. AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family. IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers. AT WORK............you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON........ .you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...........they're called managers.
