A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?" The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special" Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy" The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow..."
I once dated a girl with multiple personalities. They were all terrible but luckily they all had an amazing body.
Ok this one is c*ap but here it is anyway... My girlfriend said she is breaking up with me due to my lack of understanding of her clitoris or something like that. She was abit vague. Trying to remember exactly why. It's on the tip of my tongue...... I can't quite put my finger on it...... It'll come to me soon.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a > grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers > walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're > still walking about with it. I thought to myself, > they've lost the plot!!
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .. In and out . . . . in and out . . . . A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . .. She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . . Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .. She was getting near to the end . . . . !! He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .Forward then backward . .. . . Again . .. . . and, again . . . . !! Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . . Finally .. . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let outa piercing scream . . . .. She shouted . . . . : "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . .. You do it . . . . !!"
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache.."
I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry." "Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her. "No," she replied. "My dildos."
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
They had a contest the other day at the Senior Citizens Centre. I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji.
What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, Or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, ''It is essential that husbands and wives know the Things that are important to each other.." He then addressed the men, ''Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'' I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, And whispered, ''Self-raising, isn't it?'' And thus began my life of celibacy..........
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.' The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,'F...k it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' 'Only when he's pissed.'
A Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by a Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries inspector. The inspector says to the Maori that it looks like he has caught a couple of under size crayfish. The Maori says, "Nah Bro, these are my pet crayfish. I just bring themdown to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home." The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket. Then the Maori says, "Nah Bro just watch" and chucks the crayfish intothe surf. The MAF officer then says, " Ok let's see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you." …..And the Maori fella says, "What crayfish?"
The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots." The entire congregation said, "Amen."
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1945 Colt pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!
