OK. So we've all heard of the actor Richard Gere. But it is such a shame that his fame overshadowed that of his famous ventriloquist father..... Gotler !!
There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime." The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said. The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."
In the village where I live everyone wears a jumper 2 sizes too small. Never found out why even though its a tight knit community.
I was in the chemistry lab at school earlier and I said to the prep assistant, “What can I use to get rid of germs?” She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you worked here..."
Kevin gets a New Secretary. A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions. Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?" Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice." Emma: "What color are her eyes?" Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check." Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?" Kevin: “Not a clue in the world." Emma: "Does she have a local accent?” Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.” Emma: "How does she dress?" Kevin: "Very quickly.”
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters! The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol... Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house.
A chap jumps in a taxi says, “King Arthur’s Close”. The taxi driver says, “Don’t worry I’ll lose him at the lights”…
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
