Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
I went into my local pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The man said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I'm not fussed what star sign it is really"
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S*it."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason. Son: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" Dad: "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." Son: "But Dad, I only see two." I bought a massive fish from the supermarket today, and when I got home I found out that all its insides were missing. Gutted!
