A Jordanesq type, was worried about the amount of dents in her car, so she took it to her local garage. The mechanic thought he’d have a bit off fun and told her she could solve the problem herself by blowing up the exhaust pipe. Thanking the mechanic for saving her money; she returned home to set about removing the dents. She was smart enough to let the pipe cool down before performing the task. When it was cool enough, she got her lips round it and started to blow for all she was worth. After a time, her blonde neighbour come out and asked her what she was doing. “I’m blowin’ the dents outa ov the body aint I.” She informed her neighbour. “Don’t be stupid!” said the blonde neighbour. “You’re supposed to wind the windows up first, else it won’t work will it!”
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Just finished decorating my bonnet for Easter. I've covered it in chicks and eggs and bunnies. Car's failed the MOT now though.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!".........
NEWS: Police were called to Tesco’s Watford this morning as a fight broke out in the toilet roll aisle. A police spokesperson said that they managed to calm the situation, and just one shopper has been left with soft tissue damage.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his female room-mate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just room-mates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John" Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter . They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20yrs earlier . Because of hectic schedules , it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules , so the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on the Thursday , with his wife flying the following day . The husband checked into the hotel . . . There was a computer in his room , so he decided to send an email to his wife . However he left out one letter in her email address , and without realizing his error , sent the email . Meanwhile somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned from her husbands funeral . He was a minister who died following a heart attack . The widow decided to check her emails , expecting messages from relatives and friends . After reading the first message she screamed and fainted . The widows son rushed into the room , found his mother on the floor , and saw the computer screen which read . To my wife . Subject i've arrived date March 28th 2022. I know your surprised to hear from me , they have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones . I ve just arrived and have been checked in , i see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow , looking forward to seeing you then ! Hope your journey is as smooth as mine was . P s bloody hot down here !!!
So I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall. I said: "That must have been a big bull?" The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather" I said: "Was he a bullfighter?" He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him”
Is this a blonde Couple Or what.................... A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk.............................................. .......... We just want to be able to understand him".
A massive congratulations to Hugh Zappriti Boyden who has been elected president of the British Budgerigar Society.
Got the wife a new coat made out of hamster skin. Took her to the funfair Saturday. Took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!!
