A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You told us there could be no discount on this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then, the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. "There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get the tosser to reduce the price!”
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo." "Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros. "Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces." Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir.”
Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember if the inspector from the benifit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?" The foreman replies "Look, it's bloody easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops". An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your names!" Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths". John looks around and answers "John Tesco". The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?" Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?" Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken".
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and turn into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. “Mum, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane......” At this point Mummy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground, and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy goes away on a trip.” Mummy threw up!
Paddy and Mick are at a job interview for a labourer by a builder, Paddy goes first and is asked, "If you lost an eye, what would you be?" He answers, "Half blind." Then he was asked, "What would you be if you lost both eyes?" He answers, "Blind."... Builder says, "Great, you got the job - send Mick in." Mick over heard the interview and thinks, "Great, I'll just give the same answers." The builder asks, "If you lost an ear, what would you be?" Mick says, "Half blind." Then was asked, "What about if you lost both ears?" Mick says, "Blind." The builder, a bit puzzled, asked, "How would that be?" Mick says, "My hat would slip down!!..
