Three nuns all get written off in a car smash. The all knock on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter takes one look at them: "You can't judge a book by it's cover. I'll ask you one question each. If you answer correctly you can come in. If you answer incorrectly, you stoke coal for the rest of your days." Up steps the first nun. "Who was the first man on earth?" "Adam?" She ventures, uncertainly. "You have answered correctly - welcome to Paradise." Up steps the second nun. "Who was the first woman on earth?" "Was it Eve?" "Welcome to your eternal home. Please step forward." Finally, Mother Superior steps forward, all confident. "Mother Superior, think carefully. Here is your question: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Mother Superior goes as white as a ghost. After three hours, St. Peter looks at her sternly. "Well?" "That's a hard one." "Brilliant! Come on in!"
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician? It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents..........
A guy turned up to our fancy dress work Christmas party. I asked, "What in God's name are you supposed to be? "He replied, "I've come as an aerosol can." I asked, "Are you sure?" He said, "No, Right guard."
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone please log in to view this image rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..
Four old-timers named Roy , Charlie , Rodney and Dave were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater'
This evening I’ve been invited to join a very exclusive Christmas Carol singing group along with Bing Crosby, Don Henley, Mary Hopkin and Lee Marvin. So it’s Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I …..
I was at a works do and the conversation was boring to say the least, all people talked about was their work........ Anyway I got stuck talking to a fella who told me he job was looking into Genetic Modification of Salad Leaves....... I said to him, it's not Rocket Science is it.......
I’ve just taken the wife’s prezzies from the normal hiding place under the stairs and found a wrapped one that I forgot to give her last year. It's such a shame, 'cos she would’ve loved that kitten !
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"? He asked for help and she could see why.. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet.. He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellie's", My mom made me wear 'them.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?" He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's". She will be eligible for parole in three years!
