Working people frequently ask retired people what They do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. ... When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Mary called him a “s*** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." "Okay," says the blonde."Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!" "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" "That's easy. Twelve!" "Twelve?""January second, February second, March second -- " "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?" "That's easy. Howard!" "Howard?" "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...
A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table: He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said. "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him two $100 bills. Blushing, he said. "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A Genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 Dwarves & working in a mine.....
I was in Currys the other day, and I saw a TV made totally from pasta. I said to the manager "What's that?" He replied "It's a tagliatelle".........
The Queen visits a hospital and was meeting patients. The Doctor pulls back the curtains to reveal a man masturbating. The Queen asks what is wrong with him. The Doctor replied 'He is producing too much sperm so he has to masturbate at least 8 times a day.' The Doctor pulls the curtains of the next bed to find a nurse giving the man in the bed a blowjob. The Queen asks what is wrong with him. The Doctor replied 'The same as the other fella, but he's with BUPA.'
