Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Chelsea winning the Champions League.
Arsenal winning a trophy.
Manchester clubs winning in the Europa League.

 

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL


This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very

elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during

the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following

the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart

then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all

eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my

own funeral...I'm a
Gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!

 

> Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
>
> Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
> "Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
>
> "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
>
> "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
>
> "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
>
> When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"
>
> His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

 

The Postman Cometh


One Monday morning the Charlie the postman walked through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded.
"Your name came up 7 times."

 

My rock fan mate of mine tragically lost the lower part of both arms in an industrial accident. Now he plays the air guitar with his air hands.

A farmer mate of mine tragically lost all his fingers to a threshing machine. He staggered 15 miles to the A&E department of the nearest hospital, where the surgeon told him that it was a pity he hadn't brought his fingers with him as he could have sewn them back on. "I would have done", replied my mate,"but I couldn't pick 'em up."

 

That was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

A young cleric is returning from a pilgrimage to the Vatican and is sitting on the plane home doing a crossword when to his utter shock His Holy Father the Pope sits next to him.

The Pope starts to make small talk with the priest and notices that he has almost finished the crossword. "My son" says the Pope "I am considered to be a master of the crossword, perhaps I could find the missing clue for you?"

At this the priest starts to sweat profusely and becomes noticeably agitated. "Er.. No thank you your Holiness" he splutters "I think I should be fine"

"Nonsense!" says the Pope "why don't you give me the clue and what letters you have and we shall see what I can do?"

In a state of shock the cleric says "Well, I have the last three letters which are U, N, & T. The clue is 'an informal name for a female' "

"Ah, I can see your predicament" says the Pope "but I think you will find the answer is AUNT"

 

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An Investigator.

 

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.



The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'




'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'




'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'


'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'


'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

 

On the understanding that Patrice Muamba was technically dead for 77 minutes, does that make Emile Heskey technically immortal?

 

Little Johnny comes home from school and asks his Dad for some help with his homework.

"Teacher says I have to be able to describe the difference between 'potentially' and 'reality' but I don't know where to start"

The Dad thinks for a moment and says "Son, take this question and ask your Mum, your sister and your brother the same thing and tell me what they all say" He writes on a card and sends the boy away to find the rest of the family.

Firstly the boy finds his brother and reads out "If you were paid £1million would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" the brother thinks for a minute and says "for a million quid I'd do anything so count me in!"

The son then finds his mum in the bedroom and asks the same question "Well, if it was Brad Pitt I'd probably do it for much less but you can put me down as a yes!"

He then speaks to his sister and asks her the same thing to which she replies "Brad Pitt? OMG I totally would!"

The boy then takes his answers back to his dad and lets him know what he found out. "In that case son the answer to your home work is "Potentially we are sitting on 3million quid but in Reality we live with a homo and a couple of whores"

 

Reports indicate that Muamba can breathe unassisted, can recognise people and has regained limited control of his limbs... Villa are said to be interested in a swap deal for Heskey.

 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies he responded." O have you killed any yet she asked. "Yep. 3 males 2 females" he replied. Intrigued she asked "how can you tell them
apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the f*****g phone !

 

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for
smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in
court
Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the
weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I
told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs."

how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like
this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your
asshole before prison..................

 

Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R !
We missed the R !

We missed the R !'


His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

CELEB R ATE !!!

 

I went to see my doctor today because I'd accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble pieces...

He said my next **** could spell trouble.

 

Patrice Muamba wakes up.
Owen Coyle says " Since you've been asleep Torres has scored twice".
"****,how long have I been asleep!!!" says Patrice

you can put SWP for Torres

 

Remote Country Pub:

Door swings open with a creek ... no one walks in

A few seconds later two rabbits hop onto the bar

"Two pints please barman" says the first Rabbit

They are served two pints and the rabbits sit and drink their pints

"Do you do bar snacks" asks the first Rabbit while ordering two more pints

The barman passes them a menu

"Two rounds of cheese and onion sandwiches please"

"What them toasted?" the barman asks serving them the pints

"Yes that will be nice"

This continues for a number of days .. The rabbits come in two pints, Two rounds of toasted sandwiches, Two more pints

One night the rabbits (now regulars) order more bar snacks but the second rabbits pipes up:

"I am sick of onion can I have tomato in mime tonight please barman"

The following night the door creeks again at the regular time but only one Rabbit hops onto the bar.

"Gin and Tonic please Barman"

"You look shocked what's wrong?" asked the barman

" My mate is dead"

" Dead .... what did he die of?

"Mixinghistoasties"