Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside..
Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies. Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.
I f@cking hate Christmas, spend all year working my bloody fingers to the bone to earn enough money to buy presents for the family. Then to cap it all that fat, red faced bastard with the beard gets all the credit. I guess it's my fault for marrying her.
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!" Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again...
I will be watching Santa's journey on Norad's website very carefully this year. If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm bricking the chimney up.
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your old man still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.
A man walks into a library and says, "Hi, I understand you have a new book on small cocks." The librarian replies, "I'm afraid it isn't in yet."
A Scot, walking through a field, sees a man using his hand as a scoop to drink water from a pond. The Scot calls out to the man, "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sïlan de chacbo." (Translation: Don't drink that water. It's full of cowshit!) The man shouts back, "I'm English! Can't you speak English! Are you completely ignorant, you arsehole?!" The Scot calls back, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
The CEO of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance and for this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'." Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We've lost the Hovis Account."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?' 'No,'' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!' 'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of bake beans and gave it to the customer. The truckie asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' I LOVE THIS ONE......... She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his barbeque on the shore of Nord Lake and cook a venison steak. All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you are a Catholic." Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a rainbow trout
Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. I hate this getting older stuff.
I got an email from my mate this morning asking if I want to go to the Reading festival. I told the rude bastard to **** off! He knows I'm dyslexic!
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', And this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air. 'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!' 'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!' So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?' Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...' 'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
