Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I had to take a palm tree back to the shop today.

It was out of dates.

 

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

 

Subject: U.N. Survey





Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant..
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...











1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....



Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

 

Paddy goes to the doctor with blood pouring from his ear and severely scolded feet.

Doctor says " good grief, how did you do that "

Paddy replies " making jam roly poly out of a tin for my pudding, on the cooking instructions it said pierce here and stand in boiling water for 30 minutes "

 

not really a joke but too good too not pass on

This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it!

Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
G.S.T.
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle Licence / Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Carbon Dioxide Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world. Mum stayed home to raise the kids, Dad and teachers were allowed to discipline kids.
A criminals life was uncomfortable.

Boat people were kids sailing on the harbour.

What the hell happened?
'Political Correctness', ‘Politicians or both?'

I hope this goes around Australia and beyond at least 1 BILLION times!

 

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

 

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunk guys pulled up along side of them.


"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.


The Mother Superior turned to Sister Immaculata, and said, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"


So Sister Immaculata rolled down her window and shouted, "Screw off ye little fookin ****ers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"


Sister Immaculata then looked back at the Mother Superior and asked, "Was that cross enough?"

 

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'


'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

 

T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

 

A Chinese, Frenchman, Australian and a Muslim are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the ‘End of the World Cliffs’ in Sagres, Portugal.



They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.



"Why did you do that?" ask the others.



"We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.



"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it."





The Muslim looks at the Australian and says,



"Don't you fu**ing dare!"

(all complaints via pm to kiwiqpr)

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

 

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:


'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'


The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

 

Blonde walks into Absa in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10, 000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checked out. Absa agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R5, 000,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10, 000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10, 000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10, 000?' The blond replies .... 'Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Finally, a gifted blonde!!!!

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

 

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”



Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

 

A chav and his girlfriend are walking through the shopping centre one night. She sees a necklace in a window of a jewellers and says "oh, Darren, I"d love that!" so Darren throws a brick through the window and gives her the necklace.

A bit further down, she sees a handbag in a clothes shop window and says "oh, Darren, I"d REALLY love that!" so Darren throws a brick through the window of the shop and hands her the handbag.

Further along she stops outside a shoe shop and says "ooh, Darren I"d REALLY REALLY love those!" and Darren says "What"s the matter with you Sharon, do you think I"m made of bricks?"

 

A bus full of Chavs was driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, ‘Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?’ The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, ‘Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing.’

What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted.

What do you call a Chav with 9 GCSEs? A liar.

What do you say to a Chav in a suit? ‘Will the defendant please stand.’

What do you say to a Chav with a job? ‘Can I have a Big Mac, please?’

What’s the first question at a Chav quiz night? ‘What you lookin’ at?’

Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it’s great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Why is three Chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats four.

You’re in your car and you see a Chav on a bike. Why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.