Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
Dropped the missus and a couple of her friends off at weightwatchers last night, as they were struggling to get out of the car I muttered " fat cows " My missus asked " what did you say?" I said " you herd " I
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night. (You gotta love Frank!)
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car . “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..” The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
Our ice cream man was found dead on the floor of his van tonight, covered in hundreds and thousands. Police think he topped himself.
Saw an AA man sobbing uncontrollably in his van last night, distraught he was. I thought " he's heading for a breakdown "
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, Stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're Going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill While he was licking his arse!"
Was standing at the bus stop the other day when this bloke with a dog came along and stood next me. He took a tennis ball out of his pocket and threw it to the dog. The dog flipped the ball up onto it's head with it's back paw and started to keep the ball up on it's head whilst doing back flips at the same time. It then let the ball drop onto it's front paw and proceeded to flick the ball from one paw to another before volleying the ball back into the bloke's pocket. In amazement I said to the fella " what breed of dog is it?" He replied " a *****l " I said " you mean a mongrel " at which point the dog started to jump up at me. He yelled at the dog " down syndrome "
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ......... Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk way
I'm going to sell my hoover. All it does is gather dust. ©Tim Vine, voted best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014.
Who the hell is Eric ? Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night: Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ........... "Where the hell have you been?" Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar note tattooed on my willy" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his willy?" "Well...One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.. And lastly... Instead of you going out shopping all the time, now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!" Eric is currently in the Intensive Care Unit.
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
Two black, gay men walk into a bar. The barman sees them coming through the door and shouts: "Oi, you two. get out. We don't serve your kind in here. No blacks and no gays." The two men, visibly shocked, turned and walked out preferring to maintain their dignity. "That is outrageous. This is 2014 for fecks sake." said the first as they step into the street. "I know", replied the second. "Who would have thought that Malky would get another job so quickly!"
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate. "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile,' says the Coroner. "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says. The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'" "Ah," says the coroner, " this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning." "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".
> Only a farm kid would see it this > way! > > > When you're from the farm, your perception is a > little bit different. > > A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at > the door.A boy, about 9, opened the > door."Is your dad or mom home?" said the > farmer."No, they went to > town.""How about your brother, Howard? Is he > here?""No, he went with Mom and > Dad."The farmer stood there for a few minutes, > shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, > when the young boy say's, "I know where all the > tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a > message.""Well," said the farmer > uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, > about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy > pregnant".The boy thought for a moment...then > say's, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about > that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the > pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for > Howard.." >
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help.. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A senior citizen in swansea was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in swansea ‘cause everything happens in swansea 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
The young man from Swansea came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your car from the parking lot!” Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?” The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the licence number.”
Rather than start a new OT thread, please permit me, as an ardent fan of Hancock's Half Hour, to use a space here to mark the passing of Bill Kerr at the grand old age of 92. I thank you.
