An Irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses? He said "No, but i once told a donkey to f*ck off"
A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?' 'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your marriage' 'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?' 'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something. You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're OK!' After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...', he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?' 'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'
Hooked up with a Tinder date last week after exaggerating a bit to get myself more likes. We got back to her flat and she said "f.uck me with your twelve inches and make me hurt!" So we had sex four times and I said her cushions didn't go with her curtains.
