"Mom," he said, "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?" "Certainly," Mom said. "What are they?" "Pussy and bitch.." Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him. So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage. "Dad," Craig said, "the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings." "Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you. "He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold and drew a circle around the pubic area. "Everything inside the circle is pussy," he said. "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" "Everything outside the circle."
A London lawyer is having a quiet after work drink in a city bar when this vision of beauty whispers in his ear " how do fancy a good time with the dirtiest woman you're ever likely to meet?" He swiftly finishes his beer and goes back to her place barely being able to contain his excitement. After 45 mins of waiting for the fun to start he says " You told me you were the dirtiest woman I was ever likely to meet " She replied " How many women to you know that would sh!t in your briefcase when you weren't looking?"
A blonde was shopping at Target and Came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, So she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos! It keeps hot things hot And cold things cold,' she replied.. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied...... soup and an ice cream
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy said.
An Aussie and a Kiwi go to a pastry shop. The AUSSIE whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesnt notice. The AUSSIE says to the KIWI" Youll never beat that!" The KIWI says to the AUSSIE: "Watch and learn!" He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the biscuit which the KIWI promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. The KIWI eats this one too and says again: "Give me one more biscuit." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one more anyway. The KIWI then eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?" The KIWI says: "Look in the AUSSIES pocket!"
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?" "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" ... ... "No, they spread."
Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!
MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! This is good to know. MEDICAL ALERT Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know.
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
MATTHEW UPSON. Avoid the need for laborious motivational talks to your future child by naming them 'Chin'.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
NO Speak English A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...and what do you think happened What were you Thinking would happen? Well Her husband asked for the Sausages of course? Her husband speaks English....hellooo!
A friend of mine has contracted a deadly disease from eating some cereal. All he had was Ebola Cornflakes.
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger: "What's your handicap?" Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie: "Pick a night."
