I said to the lad in Tesco ‘is it true you carry customers shopping to their car free of charge?’ He said ‘we do’. As we got to my car I said ‘I only asked you to do it because I’m lazy’. He said ‘I realise that. Here’s your Twix’.
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
Bloke stomps through the door marked 'Greens Committee' at the R and A, at St Andrews. "I want to complain about the Greens!". "Sir, in the whole history of this beloved Instituition we have NEVER had one complaint about our Greens!". "Well you bloody well have now, my wife and I ate in the Restaurant today and the cabbage was bloody awful!".
“Swearing at Work." Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f*cking power-crazy bitch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*ck off arse-wipe 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f*ck. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f*cking problem, mate. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f*ck? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f*cking chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f*cking arse. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me? Instead Of: Oi, f*ckface.
BREAKING: An Extinction Rebellion protestor collapsed and had to be revived today after his parents rang to tell him they’d found him a job. Our thoughts are with him at this difficult time. please log in to view this image
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things. You live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!!
