Dear Benefits Office Manager My name is Mohammed Reza and I live in Birmingham , and I would like to present before you the following story. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits? Sincerely yours, Mohammed.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" " First Place ," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest to find the strongest man in the world.." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?" They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes... "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Chris Cairns?" asked Pinocchio.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Old one but always amused me........ What does a peroxide blond and a jumbo jet have in common? . . . . . . . . They both have a black box......Tada.... Taxi for quality.
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." "You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ' You won't need this anymore'. So I thanked him and left!"
Two Blondes With Hammers. Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work On a Habitat for Humanity House.. Lynn was nailing down house siding, Would reach into her nail pouch, Pull out a nail & either toss it Over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, About half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
A woman goes to the doctor... She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says, "Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me." the doctor writes her a prescription and says, "take 2 of these a day and see me in a week" The woman comes back in a week and says, "these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible" the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"
A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.' So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?' So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?' So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?' The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?' Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's bum, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
I went to a highly recommended confectionary shop to get a present for the wife. I explained to the assistant it was a thankyou gift and had to be special, She said " liqueurs? " to which I replied " that's none of your business "
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"
Did you hear about the two blondes Who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match. I've got San Miguel for when Spain are playing because it's Spanish, Beck's for when Germany are playing because it's German and Carling for when England are playing because it's ****.
Never Force Children To Pray … At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replies. Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father. "Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN" Dinner was cancelled.
Roy Hodgson has said he expects England to be on a high after the next two world cup games. Yes Roy, about 35,000 feet high.
England team and management visited an orphanage in a rundown São Paulo suburb earlier this week. "It was so very heart wrenching to see so many desolate faces with such bleak hopes for the future" said Jose aged 6.
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day..... (Will gauge reaction to this before posting the next dozen...)
