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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    #9741
    Didley Squat, Jul 12, 2020
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
    One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
    So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
    Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
     
    #9742
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 12, 2020
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9743
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 12, 2020
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
    He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
    "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap,,,then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner...then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
    Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face.
    The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a **** first..."
     
    #9744
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 12, 2020
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9745
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 12, 2020
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Guy owns an antique shop but it’s not doing too much trade. He buys a leg of lamb and puts it in the shop window as Nelsons leg. An American guy comes in and buys it to take back to the states.
    The shop owner buys a pair of sheep’s eyes, puts one in the window as Nelsons eye. Same bloke comes in and buys it to take back to the states.
    Shop owner buys a bag of potatoes. The American sees two on the counter. Don’t tell me they are Nelsons.
    No said the shop owner , they are King Edwards
     
    #9746
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 12, 2020
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed...
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP F*CKIN COMPLAINING...?!'
     
    #9747
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
    They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
    The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
    As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
    The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, and I'll marry them..."
     
    #9748
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9749
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9750
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9751
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9752
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9753
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9754
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young widow goes to see her gynecologist for an examination. He says to her "You're still a virgin but you've been married three times, how come?"
    The widow replies "My first husband was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it. The second was a psychologist, all he did was talk to it. My third husband was a stamp collector, bloody hell, I do miss him"
     
    #9755
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 13, 2020
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #9756
    kiwiqpr, Jul 14, 2020
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A patient in a mental hospital saves a man from drowning
    After he saved the man's life, the doctors are impressed and think that his mental health is getting much better. They tell him that he will be completely fine in some days and will no longer have to stay in the hospital. A few days later, the doctors inform the patient that he is free to go but share some news, "you did a great thing by saving that man from drowning, but unfortunately he hung himself and died". To this the man replies, " Oh he didn't hang himself I just thought I would hang him outside so he could get dry".
     
    #9757
    kiwiqpr, Jul 14, 2020
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

    "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."
     
    #9758
    kiwiqpr, Jul 14, 2020
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    An old geezer, who had been a retired.....
    An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
    He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "
     
    #9759
    kiwiqpr, Jul 14, 2020
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #9760
    kiwiqpr, Jul 14, 2020
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