The ancient Greeks never did quite get the hang of loading the dishwasher.... please log in to view this image
At the Pearly Gates !! Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. The Angel tells them unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. Without saying a word, the Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and screams, 'What was that all about? show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Explain that to me!' 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.........
London marathon to be cancelled. Police say it's completely unacceptable to have 20,000 whites chasing a black man!!..
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-****tin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
A biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars... I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right." The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page ... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." The journalist leaves and the following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS HIS LUNCH...
An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few kilometres further on, he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one-legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world. The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this?! A few kilometres down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone." The barman said, "You heartless English bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo...?"
Fuming!!! First day of the pubs being open, I was sat at my table and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail !! I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters !'
