A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The i-Tit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. He said no, but he had once told a donkey to **** off.
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had$100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna. The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna
Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.” Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?” Other son said “Me too Dad.” Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?” The Daughter said ““I do….“”
What did St Patrick say as he was driving the snakes out of Ireland? "Are yiz alright in the back there lads?"
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says, ““If any of you are *****philes you can piss off down to Hell”.” Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “”And take this deaf bastard with you.””
On the sixth day, God created the dog > and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and > bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will > give you a life span of twenty years." > > The dog said, "That's a long time to > be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you > back the other ten?" > > And God saw it was good. > Also on the sixth day, God created the monkey > and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them > laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life > span." > > The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty > years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I > give you back ten like the dog did?" > > And God, again saw it was good. > > Also on the sixth day, God created the cow and > said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all > day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk > to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give > you a life span of sixty years." > > The cow said, "That's kind of a tough > life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty > and I'll give back the other > forty?" > > And God agreed it was good. > Also on the sixth day, God created humans and > said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For > this, I'll give you twenty years." > > But the human said, "Only twenty years? > Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave > back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave > back; that makes eighty, okay?" > > "Okay," said God, "You asked for > it." > > So that is why for our first twenty years, we > eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty > years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the > next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the > grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the > front porch and bark at everyone. > > Life has now been explained to > you. > > There is no need to thank me for this valuable > information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you > are looking for me I will be on the front porch >
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. The M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
I went to my local petrol station to put air in my tyres, I was shocked as it's gone up from 20p to 50p. That's inflation for you!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks... Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap..' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting, nagging, complaining wife, and 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Banker looks down in horror. "BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
It has been leaked to the press that further clampdowns are to be expected in North Korea, including a ban on listening to music that makes you feel happy. Coldplay are planning a tour there in the near future.
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.