Some VIZ 'Top Tips: ENTER '1471' into your microwave keypad to find out the last person that used it. CONFUSE Geordie physiotherapists by informing them that you've got knee complaints. BECOME the English pop equivalent to Flo Rida by changing your name to Don Caster or Peter Borough. GET involved in a big game of hide and seek by becoming a member of staff at B&Q. IF YOU have a stutter, refrain from saying the word 'ghost'. Otherwise people will think there is one behind them. FOOL people into thinking their pizza has arrived by parking outside a house in a rusty Vauxhall Corsa blasting Dubstep. MAKE toast seem more exciting by pretending you've rescued a slice of bread from a burning building. CONVINCE your wife she's on Masterchef by giving her an hour to cook your tea then telling her exactly why you don't like it. ENJOY the sophisticated ambience of a sushi bar by strapping some peeled fish fingers to a Scalextric car. PLAY a real life game of ‘Guess Who' by asking your wife if she has a beard before pushing her over. MAKE your own G8 summit by having your mates over to eat expensive food and making no impact on anything ever. SAVE money on expensive Muse tickets by humming Bohemian Rhapsody at the local Quasar. LEIGH-ON-SEA. Help boost tourism by re-branding as Leyoncé.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountians out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the sh @ t out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it." Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester, I have acute angina." Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly tits."
A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks... There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still .... . Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK.." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
9 months later!!! Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby Mansion and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed ,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the shed. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the shed and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend... He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." Said Bob.. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
> > A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. > > > > One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. > > > > Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." > > > > "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. > > > > Thanks for telling me officer. > > > > "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did > > you?" > > > > > > "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. > > > > A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. > > > > It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. > > > > Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? > > > > So, now, I stand behind the fence by the > > knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. > > > > Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, > > > > 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' " > > > > "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! > > > > Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" > > > > "Not everybody pays."
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
A Scotsman walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business For two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank Will need some form of security for the loan, So the canny Scots lad hands over the keys And documents of new Ferrari parked On the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept The car as collateral for the loan. The bank's Manager and its officers All enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman For using a £120,000 Ferrari As collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then Drives the Ferrari in to the bank's Underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, Repays the £5,000 and the interest, Which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, And this transaction has worked out very nicely, But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, We checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. So what puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ? The Scotsman replies: "Where else in Glasgow can I park my car For two weeks for only £15.41 And expect it to be there when I return'"
How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless! It's not difficult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much !! A man only needs to be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A sexologist 15. A gynaecologist 16. A psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist 19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organiser 22. A good father 23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive 28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30 Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender 33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36.. Prudent 37. Ambitious 38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable 43. Passionate 44. Compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. Give her compliments regularly 46. Let her go shopping regularly 47. Be honest 48. Be relatively rich 49. Not stress her out 50. Not look at other women AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51.. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who she is with BUT IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes * her parents --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Leave him alone
"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol." This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story: While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers: "What part did you get?"
: I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired." His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do." A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****!"
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. This âTRUEâ interview went as follows: The lady reporter: âI am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?â The farmer stared at the reporter and said: âDid you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): âWell, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?â Farmer: âMiss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?â Reporter: âSir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?â Farmer: âI am getting to the point, Miss.â âJust imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?â THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Japanese Sex.............. A Japanese couple is having an discussion over ways of performing highly erotic sex: Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini! Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! Wife nestles on her knees begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! Husband smiles : Na miaou kina tim kouji! I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese! Unbelievable! I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help !!
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F$%& You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Gardening with Grandma A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes... The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... Grandma says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
