*****BREAKING NEWS! ***** Sadly news has just reached us saying that the first member of this group has sadly died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Aldi “just in case!” The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft ba*tard!
Down South they're stockpiling toilet rolls and hoarding pasta. Up North we're licking door handles to try and get two weeks off work.
Lidl management today said that because of the panic buying and pandemonium in their stores that they are taking drastic action and opening another till.
All of these people stocking up on toilet paper because of Coronavirus, whilst you’re there you should also stock up on condoms..... So you don't produce any more ****ing idiots.
Just got back from the doctors. I've been singing Frank Sinatra and Den Martin songs and apparently I have Crooners virus
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
To be honest, staff at my local Sainsburys were under the assumption that I've been panic buying alcohol for the last four and a half years.......
