A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.He thought to himself. "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?" Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list. He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways ..." and said "Smooth as silk?" This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*** do you want?" The man smiled, sat back in his chair and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day. So the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
Couldn't hold it and farted a midget in the face in a crowded elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal" It was at that moment that I realised how many Gynaecologists there are on the roads!
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh Simon," she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"
