Saw my mate today. He's only got one arm. "Where you off to?" I shouted. "Change a light bulb," he said. "That will be hard won't it?" I asked. "Why?" he said. "I've still got the receipt!"
I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!" It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?" I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!" He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she’s an optician!"
