Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

A Jewish man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.



The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no
more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."



Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

I just read an article about a lady who makes ice cubes from left over wine.
I am so confused!
What the **** is left over wine?

 

I went into the Doctors and said have you got something for my liver he gave me a pound of onions.

 

was walking down fulham rd this morning when i saw a chelsea season ticket nailed to a fence
i know it was bad of me
but i grabbed it and took it home

never know when you might need a nail

 

Irish vs. The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

 

"...and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."

 

The other day I heard the phrase: "You should dress for the job you want and not for the job you have."

Therefore, it is not my fault that I wanted to be a pornstar...

...or that I work in a primary school.

 

My mate tells me that the other night his wife opened the front door wearing nothing but 6-inch heels, stockings, suspenders, a skimpy thong and a peek-a-boo bra and carrying a riding crop.

"That must have been good!", I exclaimed.

"Not really", he responded,"she was the one coming home."

 

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,

' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

The wife said she wanted to go somewhere she had never been before for her birthday, so I took her to the kitchen!!!

 

I will have to nick that one!

 

Careful, apparently Irish jokes are off-limits. I doubt even the inclusion of the French will let you off....

 

Man runs into doctor's surgery screaming "Doctor Doctor" and slaps his cock onto the doctor's table!

The doctor runs his hands down the length before squeezing it every inch back and forth.

"Sorry can't find anything wrong with this"

"I know isn't it a beauty!"

 

And of Course DT's Favorite Joke of All Time...

Man walking down the road when he spies a man who has a orange for a head.

"Excuse me what's your story then? man with a orange for a head" asked the man

"Well glad you asked" replied the man with a orange for a head " I purchased a old oil lamp at a car boot sale last year and while I was cleaning it ... out popped a Genie and offered me three wishes. My first wish was to live in a large mansion and that's where i am off to now, my large mansion. My second wish was that I would own a fleet of expensive super cars and at my mansion i do indeed have a garage full of super cars." there then fell a silence.

"So what was your third wish then?" the man asked

"Then i wished I had an orange for a head"