A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course the Madam said 'No'. The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the Bastard who ran over my FROG!'
A woman decided to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonald's
I see Kyle Walker has apologised for the inappropriate use of nitrous oxide. Clearly no laughing matter.
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow....... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl. The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..
Australia have just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are. Government sources suggest around 60,000. Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the bastards
It's late Autumn and the Maoris on a remote pa in the North Island asked Their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service (NWS) and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the NWS responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the NWS again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Maoris are collecting a ****load of firewood!'
A blond woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that her husband had treatment there, and afterward, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
This is the best, most interesting English lesson I have had to date. Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters? Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"? And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you." How weird is that?
A prestigious cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry...I was just thinking of my own funeral…I'm a gynecologist."
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today. The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week." A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
He'll Kiwi, I know NZ Is 50 years behind the times and now so are your jokes ( not for the first time), you should apologies and remove this and let's hope SWP and the like do not sign on, steal or not bother to turn up for work.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was you hair 2 years ago? 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?' 'I also know that you used to have brown hair.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks.. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'
After 100 years lying on the bottom of the sea irish divers were amazed 2 find the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full.
Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the man of your house' and says to the wife 'From now on my word is Law. YOU will prepare me a gourmet meal 2nite with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. YOU will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry then massage my feet and back. Then 2morrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair?' Wife says 'The ****ing funeral director would be my first guess.
Married couple at home watching TV. Husband has remote & is switching back & forth between fishing channel and the porn channel. Wife becomes more & more annoyed, finally says: "For god's sake-leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, are you telling me, . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!
