Just had a parcel from Holland , when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny. That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam '!
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a ****." "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"
The Blue Pigeon. The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean. One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. The mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Muslim ??
Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car, when a car load of rowdy young lads pulled up alongside. "Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the lads. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross ..." So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts "**** off you little ****ers, before I come over there and rip your balls off!"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen."
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send Extra sauce
Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..." The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks " What about you dear?" "I wanna be Billy's bitch!"
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replies, "I don't know; let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know, Señor, I ask the cook." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Señor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos', replies, "I check once again, Señor." While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returns and says, "Señor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews." Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews." The exasperated waiter says, "Señor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews."
I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed someone sneaking thru next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said 'darling you're shaking, what is it?' 'you'll never believe what I've just seen' I said, 'that twat next door has still got my ****ing shovel'.
In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?? Answer ..Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when a big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said ' dont find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits'.. I said ' Sorry mate did he drown?' 'No ' he said' he choked on a sock'...
Two little old ladies, Dorace and Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!' 'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill. So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement' ...
Two Irishmen leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home ....' 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.' 'We could steal a bus from the depot.' says his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
This morning, the Pakistan Minister of Immigration, Mohammed Omar Upperkhan, warned Australia to cease all military activities in Afghanistan. He stated that if it does not stop immediately, Pakistan authorities will cut off Australia's supply of Cab Drivers and if this action does not yield sufficient results, Telstra Customer Service Reps will be next, followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, Supermarket trolley collectors and finally, Queensland Doctors. THIS IS STARTING TO GET UGLY
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods..Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs....' Mummy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
One day a man decided to retire... He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short row, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casu ally, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet is a razormade from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, moving closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes .... He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course!!??"
