Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?" The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold."
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man entered the store and glanced at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please." The shop assistant nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had expected. When she descended the ladder, he decided that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on and requested his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she was tired and irritated and began to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looked down and glared at the men standing below. Then, she noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd; thinking that she could save herself another trip, she yelled at him, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammered the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
A Jamaican girl goes to the doctors complaining of severe headaches. The doctor has a look at her and says " Take your clothes off, lie on the couch and open your legs " The woman " This sounds more serious than I thought, do you think you'll cure my headaches " The doctor replies " Doubt it.....but me and the missus have brought a brown leather sofa and I wanted to get an idea what it would look like with pink cushions "
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Michael, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair. So she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!".
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body. They pulled the sheet back to show her face. "I can't be certain." I told them. The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts and hard nipples"Sorry, but I'm still not sure." Then they took the sheet completely off and I had a good look at the body and shaved minge, "That's definitely not her, Officer" "Are you sure?" "Yep. My girlfriend's not black."
The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Saville was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.
A Woman walks into a supermarket and buys: > 1 bar of soap > 1 toothbrush > 1 tube toothpaste > 1 loaf of bread > 1 pint of milk > 1 single serving cereal > 1 single serving frozen dinner The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you are ****ing ugly."
A taxi driver was taking a passenger to the station. The passenger leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder to get his attention as he wished to ask him a question, the driver lets out an hysterical scream and hits the ecselerator, the taxi carriers forward narrowly missing a parked bus, a crowded bus stop and comes to a halt inches from a plate glass window. I'm so sorry says the passenger i didn't realise that taping you on the shoulder would have such reprecussions.... No, no says the taxi driver, it was my fault, you see today is my first day as a taxi driver, for the last 25 years i have been driving a Herse......
The only bird left in the club at the end of the night was so fat and ugly I had to put the rohypnol in my own drink.
Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees in an hour. Paddy sets to work but only cuts 10 in the hour. So he takes it back to the shop. He says to the shop owner 'Dis doesn't cut 40 trees an hour, I've only done 10! With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw. Paddy looks at him and says 'bloody' hell what's that noise?
Just got back from a friend’s funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket. But as i told everyone. "It’s what he would have wanted!"
Went out shopping with the wife earlier and costa were offering a free coffee to anyone with a moustache in November - she's a jammy bitch !!!
Got a phone call at work the other day. It was Eric my neighbour. He said 'i don't know how to tell you this, its your wife. She's hung herself on your washing line. Through my tears I said 'do me a favour mate, if it rains bring her in'
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small house in Broken Hill. A few days after he moves, in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man lead a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chineseman and says: “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then, today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about **** on you.” The Chinese man is very taken back and says: “So sorry sir! You not understand. These not Chinese customs I doing: these Australian Customs.” “What do you mean mate”, says the Aussie, “Those aren't Australian customs.” “Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me”, replied the Chinese man. “He say, to become true Australian, I must learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****”.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The Little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win Or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes!' 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, Or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you Understand all that? ' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so Another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good Sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or ****head" is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO!' 'GOOD!' said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and Explain all that to your grandmother!
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!' Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.
