1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. GroveRanger

    GroveRanger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2011
    Messages:
    14,385
    Likes Received:
    9,125
    I can't take credit for this gag but it made me chuckle

    "Is it just me but are personal headphones getting bigger or w.anker's heads getting smaller?"
     
    #6861
    Wooperts_duck, Uber_Hoop and kiwiqpr like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6862
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6863
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6864
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6865
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6866
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6867
  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    An couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.
    She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
    Tell him you charge a hundred euros. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
    She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
    She says, “A hundred euros. He replies," All I got is thirty" She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty? "A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty euros is a hand job.
    He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back......................... .........."
    She runs back to the husband.
    "What's wrong?" he asks.
    "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy euros?"
     
    #6868
  9. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2011
    Messages:
    17,850
    Likes Received:
    26,917
    I was going to form a Pretenders tribute band, but I couldn't think of a name.
     
    #6869
    Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and Shawswood like this.
  10. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2011
    Messages:
    17,850
    Likes Received:
    26,917
    I've started a tribute band called Jar.
    We cover songs by The Jam and Marmalade.
     
    #6870
    Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and Shawswood like this.

  11. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2011
    Messages:
    17,850
    Likes Received:
    26,917
    Watching Glastonbury and waiting for The Charlatans to come on, problem with The Charlatans is, you never know if they're The Real Thing.
     
    #6871
    Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and Shawswood like this.
  12. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2011
    Messages:
    17,850
    Likes Received:
    26,917
    My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex.

    She says it makes her armpits sore for days...
     
    #6872
    Wooperts_duck and kiwiqpr like this.
  13. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2011
    Messages:
    17,850
    Likes Received:
    26,917
    I apologise if anyone was offended by my recent joke about herbs and fish. I should remember there’s a thyme and a plaice for such things
     
    #6873
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6874
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6875
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
    Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
    Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
    The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
    Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
    The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
     
    #6876
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6877
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,815
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Jeremy Hunt went into Burger King and asked for two whoppers.

    The Guy serving said, "You're a trustworthy man and the best Prime Minister we'll ever have".
     
    #6878
  19. GroveRanger

    GroveRanger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2011
    Messages:
    14,385
    Likes Received:
    9,125
    A bloke is walking past a pet shop when he sees a sign saying "talking parrot £50" he thinks this is a bargain so goes into the shop and asks the shop keeper for more details. "Well, the reason he's so cheap is because he's a Cockney parrot and doesn't mind telling everyone, he's been returned loads of times so I dropped the price" the bloke thinks this could be a laugh so he buys the parrot and takes him home.

    Once set up on his new stand the parrot squawks "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck" the bloke laughs and brings all of his friends round to see the bird.

    After a few weeks he still hasn't been able to make the bird say anything else apart from "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck!" getting bored with the parrot always boasting the bloke decides to teach it a lesson and buys a kestrel. He throws the kestrel into the front room with the parrot and shuts the door. There is a God awful screeching and wailing but after five minutes the noise stops so he goes back into the room. The parrot is on his perch with the kestrel dead on the floor "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck" says the parrot.

    Another couple of weeks pass and the bloke thinks he needs to sort the parrot out again so buys a falcon and does the same as before, throws it into the room with the parrot and slams the door. After some horrendous screeching and crying the noise eventually dies down after ten minutes the bloke goes into the room to find the falcon in bits and the parrot on his perch shouting "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck"!

    After another few weeks the boasting parrot is really getting on the blokes nerves to he decides to up the stakes again and this time buys a golden eagle. He chucks the eagle into the front room and quickly closes the door. There is the most unbelievable screeching and shouting which eventually dies down after about half an hour. The bloke sneaks his head round the door to see what is left of the eagle scattered all over the room with the parrot on his perch but with no feathers on and shouting "I'm a Cockney parrot and I am hard as f.uck"

    The bloke walks into the room and looks at the parrot saying "I get that you killed the eagle but why have you got no feathers left?" The parrot then says "well, he was a big f.ucker so I had to take my jacket off"
     
    #6879
    Uber_Hoop likes this.
  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    please log in to view this image

    almost down to his knees
     
    #6880
    Uber_Hoop likes this.

Share This Page