A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders. "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today. '
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.”
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry..' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
One from our friends down under: A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed. The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grads a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear. It says "gets paid for sex." The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker. It says, "Eats bush and Leaves!!!!!"
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . .. easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .. .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."
Little Dennis came home from his Lockridge school one day slightly confused. His Mother was Jewish and his father was a aboriginal So Dennis asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?" "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the bloody thing."
As I lay in bed, I felt a hand slowly reach down into my boxers and start to play with my balls and stroke my cock. It was nice but I wasnt in the mood. "Not tonight." I whispered. "Im tired." "It doesn?t work like that in here!" said my cell mate
Two blokes at a bus stop and one of them's got a dog sitting by his feet, the other fella says " does your dog bite? " " No, he's soft as sh*te " The bloke holds his hand out to stroke the dog and it takes 3 of his fingers off......" Bastard, you told me your dog doesn't bite " It doesn't, that's not my dog.
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
I was vacuuming my house today and did what every single man on this planet has done at least once when vacuuming. I looked at the vacuum cleaner, and then looked at my penis, then I looked at my vacuum cleaner and then my penis, and thought to myself, hang on a ****ing second, i've got a penis, why the **** am i doing the vacuuming !!
Diary of an Indian Immigrant to Canada Do excuse the “spicy” language. Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. Oct. 14 Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here! Nov. 11 Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here! Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada! Dec. 12 More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. ****ing snow plough. Dec. 22 More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Asshole. Dec. 25 Merry ****ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ****ing ice. Dec. 27 More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white **** and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Dec. 28 That ****ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his ****ing head. Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those ****ing beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November. May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that ****ing salt they put all over the roads. May 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
Billy, age 6, was watching tv. He comes downstairs & asks, "Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a woman's vagina gets wet. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So what were you watching?" Billy replies, "Wimbledon!"
I asked my wife if she fancied doing something different in the bedroom last night. "Like what?" she asked. "Sex?" I replied. I slept in the spare room and had a ****.
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... 'Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will ' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much
