Cowboy burst through the saloon doors, walks up to the bar and says " Gimmee a whiskey " The bartender says "Aint seen you round these parts before, what's your business?" Cowboy " I'm looking for a guy " Bartender " What's he called " Cowboy " He goes by name of Brown Paper Pete " Bartender " Why's he called that " Cowboy " Because he's got a brown paper horse with brown paper saddlebags and a brown paper saddle. He wears a brown paper stetson, brown paper waistcoat, brown paper shirt, brown paper jeans, wears brown paper boots with brown paper spurs, carries two brown paper six shooters and chews brown paper baccy " Bartender " What do you want him for " Cowboy " Rustling "
Woman goes to the doctors and says " Doctor...I'm in agony, I've got a problem with my aviaries " Doctor replies " You mean ovaries " Women " No..I've definitely got extreme pain in my aviaries " Doctor " I'm sure you must mean ovaries, anyway remove your knickers and lie on the bed " After a thorough examination down below the doctor removes his rubber gloves and says " Well..... there appears to be be nothing to concern yourself about, however you're right about the aviaries....there's been a cockatoo up there "
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!' Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. " Not yet, " said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. " How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks. " Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. " Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ? "
A fella's reading the paper at the breakfast table and he puts it down and says to his missus " what do you reckon to incarnation?" She replies " incar.........what ?" He says " Incarnation....it's when you die and come back as someone or something else " The missus says " Ooohhhh.....when I die I'd like to come back as a pig " He replies " Your not f*cking listening are you "
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparant, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Kay. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kay to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kay. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby. His wife Kay, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy. Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going. Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest. Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Said 2 Mrs got a wardrobe from Ikea. She said, ‘Have u made it up’ I said ‘Yes - I’ll get it next week’
Confucius also say: Rape is impossible, easier for woman to run with dress up than man with trousers down.
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend."On my tits" she whispered, "do it on my tits""Really? You sure?""Yes! Quickly!! For me""Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific!
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Oh, **** Mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops
An old doctor and his nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the matter with him?" asked the nurse. "He's a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from haemorrhoids," replied the doctor. "Well, why he's scratching his elbow?" asked the puzzled nurse. "Oh, he's a politician, and he doesn't know his arse from his elbow."
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple. 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' 'Jesus Christ!' says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me three months to find a Catholic priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Got slung out of the chemist's earlier. Only asked the bird there do you take it up the arse or swallow. She went absolutely mental. Still don't know what to do with these f***ing suppositories.
I went into the chemists and asked for some deodorant, the girl said " ball applicator or aerosol?" I said " neither, it's for my armpits "
