An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give into his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....No wait.....I'm thinking of Beer, it's f*cking Beer that does that!
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load !
He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet. "I'm gonna need more than that," she said. Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers. "Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded. He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now. "It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in". He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream. "There you go, it's not that hard doing the washing up..!
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend.There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh"But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
please log in to view this image Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say.". "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down. Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!" The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"
David Beckham gets into a taxi at Dublin airport, he sees the driver looking at him for about 5 minutes in the rear view mirror. Eventually the driver says “ok, give us a clue then?” Beckham sighs and replies “well I had a glittering career for Man United, married a Spice Girl and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?”. Driver says “no you thick c*nt, where are you going!?”
