The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur was the actual word she used......
How embarrassing. Just been to a BP Garage, getting a sandwich and crisps, and the woman at the checkout asked if I wanted to go for a drink......I told her I've got a wife.. she said it's part of the meal deal you p*ick !
Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby "I must confess I was a hooker" He says "Thats ok. Your past is your past, but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me about it". She says "My name was Bill & I played for Wigan Warriors!"
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'
I called the Samaritans saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help. They told me to stay on the line...
