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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    During my check up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

    He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

    He replied, "Neither do I, but my thermometer just broke."
     
    #6023
  4. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."
    The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
    "Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
    I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
    Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
    "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
    Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
    After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
    Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
    And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".
     
    #6024
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • My mate somehow got a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up his arse.

    • When I phoned the hospital to see how he was doing, they told me he was picking up nicely.
     
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
    She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
    'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
    'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
    The cop stammered, 'A what?............
    'A Rectum Stretcher!'
    'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
    'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
    'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
    'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
     
    #6028
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  11. Wooperts_duck

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  12. Wooperts_duck

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  13. Wooperts_duck

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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Hotel breakfast said they didn’t do beans on toast so I ordered the full English without bacon, sausage, tomato and mushroom
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    Not just a pretty face ay. Had to butter the toast and put the beans on top myself but it’s still a small victory for me nevertheless
     
    #6034
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  19. Wooperts_duck

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  20. Wooperts_duck

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