I've written a book called 'How to be a Ladder Horder'. It's a step buy step buy step buy step guide.
The optician asked if I could read the names on the chart Damon Albarn, Graham Coxon, Alex James, Dave Rowntree I said “it’s a bit blurry”
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
My wife came into my shed yesterday. "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!'' she said. It was at this point that the Slap-a-twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong.
