How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a kitchen light bulb ? None .............. let the bitch cook in the dark!
A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
After the highs of the Golden Jubilee and the London Olympics in 2012, I was feeling that this year was going to be a bit of a damp squib. But then the Queen shat herself.
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number⦠and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'
My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.. All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
In the village of Hurbum, in Hertfordshire near Tillet Town, lives Lucy Lykes who owns the Cockwell Inn: The address is Lucy Lykes The Cockwell Inn, Hurbum, Tillet, Herts.
Conscious that I've been getting on a bit for a while now, I asked the doctor how they know when it's time to stick you in an OAP 'home'. 'Well,' he said quite matter-of-factly, 'every now and again we're asked to send a couple of our more fragile patients through for a 'marbles' assessment'. 'Right', sez I, feeling the need to keep off the radar for a bit longer, 'verbal reasoning tests and all that then I s'pose?' 'No no', he laughs dryly, 'far too expensive. These days it's more likely to be the bathtub test'. All of a sudden I'm getting visions of frosty matrons and some kind of WWII austerity going on. 'So what's that all about then?' 'Oh', he says, 'don't you know? Full bath and they offer you a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to empty it with...' 'Of course', sez I with a sense of relief. 'You'd have to completely doolally if you picked anything but the bucket, being that it's bigger than the spoon or the cup!' 'Not at all', he said peering over his specs. 'A normal person would simply pull the plug. Bed by the window is it then?!'
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where?', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.' .'
JOB INTERVIEW Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness? Applicant: Honesty. Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness. Applicant: I don't give a **** what you think.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied , "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly The priest asked him what happened. 'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly. The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at homebase either.'
DILEMMA: One guy says to his buddy: "What is a dilemma, actually?" The buddy replied: "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that." "Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other." "Who are you going to turn your back on?"
Traffic chaos in North London as swathes of Tottenham fans make their way on foot to Stamford Bridge after hearing news of coins being thrown onto pitch.
Dave Allen; "My favourite retort to hecklers is, 'If I had a head like yours, I'd have it circumcised.'" "I'm an atheist, thank God." "Ireland has one of the world's heaviest rainfalls. If you see an Irishman with a tan, it's rust."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
