A dentist noticed that his next patient, an older woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in CHICAGO with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well... I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked. 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Will You Live to see 85? Here's something to think about........ I recently picked a new G.P. doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age, (I've just reached 71). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs? 'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85?
We were dressed to go out for the evening for dinner and theatre.. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, Covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the garden. We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the garden scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! .............She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
A blonde Kiwi teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood in Nelson. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting. One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them........ I just never saw one mounted and framed."
A man invites his mate back for dinner. His wife screams at him I've not done my fukn hair! Not done my fukn makeup! Not done any fukn house work! Not done the fukn dishes and can't be fuked cooking any dinner! Why the **** did u invite him over? Cos he's thinking of getting married.
It always feels so much better when you have a **** with a dead arm, but apparently I ruined the funeral.
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me"."Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an New Zealand Cricketer". âThat's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long"!
LATEST NEWS: Welsh Lamb is to be removed from all Supermarket shelves as recent tests have revealed 50% human DNA content.
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Birdreturned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds withOneStone!!!
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table. After that, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'
How to handle negative people This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who mucked up your hair?"
My Auntie Marge caught a cold over six weeks ago and still hasn't been able to shake it off. I can't believe she's not better.
An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Maori carrying a baseball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car. The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the f *** are you doing?" The Maori says "Aw come on bro. If youâre taking the wheels, at least let me have the CD Player!
Not sure if this has been posted before but I found some quite funny Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils - extracts from letters written to local councils:...(All bona-fide) 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.. 13.. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14.. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15.. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17.. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18.. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19.. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 23.. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
.Now imagine if john terry had posted that joke on our website... oh the irony for these types of jokes being allowed on our forum..chuckle chuckle
Quote Originally Posted by kiwiqpr View Post So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't f---ing drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a f---king clue. I'm roaring, "You f---ing Paki bastard Learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you f---k off back to your own country you smelly pr--k. You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped, looked back at me and says, "Get out of my taxi! .Now imagine if john terry had posted that joke on our website... oh the irony for these types of jokes being allowed on our forum..chuckle chuckle . . . . . how many pages back did you have to go to find something to offend you rs so hounslow
