I said to my Scouse mate "There's been a murder at Morrisons" He says "As der". I said "No. Morrisons , you thick twat".
I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot
Nasa's brand new Mars lander has sent back this first stunning image of the surface of the red planet, taken at the end of a terrifying journey. please log in to view this image
I bumped into an old mate of mine today. I said, "What are you doing these days?" He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs." I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?" He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"
Diane Abbot asked Nigel Farage would you kiss me under the mistletoe ? He replied I wouldn't kiss you under f*cking general anaesthetic.
I had a ride to the off licence last night on my bike, bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the basket on the front of the bike. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off my bike? The bottle would break!' So I drank all of it before I cycled home. It turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off my bike seven times before I got to my house.
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
