Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

 

A man was mugged one night walking home..the policeman taking his statement asks "Can you describe your assaliant?" The man replies "He was white with ginger hair"..."Dont worry" replies the cop "we'll get the black bastard"

 

Robert , 85, married Jenny,
a lovely 25 year old . . .

Since her new husband is so old,
Jenny decides that after their wed-
ding she and Robert should have
separate bedrooms, because she
is concerned that her new but aged
husband may over-exert himself if
they spend the entire night together.


After the wedding festivities Jenny
prepares herself for bed and
the expected knock on the door.


Sure enough the knock comes,
the door opens and there is Robert,
her 85 year old groom, ready
for action. They unite as one. All
goes well, Robert takes leave of
his bride, and she prepares to go
to sleep.


After a few minutes, Jenny hears
another knock on her bedroom
door, and it's Robert, Again he is
ready for more 'action'. Somewhat
surprised, Jenny consents for more
coupling. When the newly weds are
done, Robert kisses his bride, bids
her a fond good night and leaves.


She is set to go to sleep again, but,
aha, you guessed it Robert is back
again, rapping on the door and is as
fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for
more 'action'. And, once more they
enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again,
his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your
age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less
than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a
great lover, Robert.'



Robert, somewhat embarrassed,
turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'
























The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old,
Alzheimer's has its advantages...

 

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery,but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery..

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Laura Secord chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you'd be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money...but you only gave me a a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins"...

 

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."







They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid!

 

Two Irishmen are relaxing on the beach when they noticed a heavily pregnant woman drowning. Paddy drags her to safety and is performing mouth to mouth when he notices Murphy has removed he bikini briefs and is going down on her. "What the hell are you doing, man?' he says. Murphy replies "You save her, i'll save the baby!".

 

The other day I was in an empty pub having a
quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've
ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair,
an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could
see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on
show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I
taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked
how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh,
rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel
good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good
before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked
to play for the school 1st. 15 in the National School Rugby Finals in front
of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would
get up and go.But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the
front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my
hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt
THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that
game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,
where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few
defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a
few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try
right under the posts,with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were
still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the
match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her
skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton
and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt
such a perfect ****?'

I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

 

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

 

I was leaning up against a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.







After about 5 minutes, I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”












He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?







“No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you slanty eyed little prick".

 

What's the difference between a Northern USA fairytale and a Southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A Southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

 

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old,
But they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Billy, you're only 12..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Billy replies,
"In Lucy's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money,
Lucy gets five pounds a week
And I get 8 pounds' that's about 52 pounds a month
So that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Billy has put so much thought into this.

"Well Billy,
It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
Little children of your own?"

Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little swine is adorable

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F.... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.
They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

 

The Talking Centipede




A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to the bar with him.



So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
to the bar with me today?
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to the bar with me
and have a beer?"



But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.



The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last
time.


This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go



to the bar
for a beer?"
.....



This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my ****ing shoes on!"

 

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text......




"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.



If you are laughing, send me your smile.



If you are eating, send me a bite.



If you are drinking, send me a sip.



If you are crying, send me your tears.



I love you."




He replied........ "I'm having a crap. What should I do?"

 

Richard III holds the world record for staying in a car park the longest. 2nd place goes to Peter Odemwingie

 

Add Content

 

A Norwich City fan was taking me to task about the stereotyping of Norfolk dwellers' penchant for "keeping it in the family".

"It's really not fair", he complained, "I can count the number of family members that I've actually had sex with on one hand."

"How many is that then?" I asked.

"Six", he replied.

 

My sister has had a tattoo of a seashell done on the inside of her thigh.

my Brother in law thinks it is absolutely fantastic

he says when he puts his ear to it he can smell the sea