Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

 

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

 

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke
with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas
and the man objects again. “I can't do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

 

SCAM WARNING @ Tesco's supermarket, while packing shopping in your car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old East European girls, in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with tits hanging out & ask for lift to next shop as payment.
On the way they strip
and go down on each other.
Then 1 climbs in the front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet!
I had mine stolen last Tues & Wed, twice on Thurs and again today.
Be careful

 

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested, so I asked, “Can you burn me a copy?”



Well, that was when the trouble started………………………

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, 'Do you have Viagra?'

'Yes,' he answered.

She asked, 'Does it work?'

'Yes,' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked.

'I can if I take two,' he said.

 

Morning kiwi, quite funny that. Heard the one about Fulhams 37 at Blackpool?

 

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have

brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

 

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments ...'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There. That should piss off just about everybody

 

ADULT SCRABBLE.................. Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect.

P N E S I
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People who wrote spine became doctors....

The rest are sadly the sort of people that make up my friends.

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's balls.

 

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A hidden episode of Scooby Doo has emerged featuring Jimmy Saville as the villain...

He'd have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for meddling with those kids.

 

great one

 

I just bumped into Rolf Harris in Tesco. I said, "I remember you doing two little boys in 1970".
He said, **** off, that was Jimmy Saville.

 

I had a really terrible childhood...

Freddie Starr ate my Hamster & Jimmy Saville licked my Beaver!

 

Was having burger and chips for dinner when I found out tescos were going bust...I know it's true cos I got it straight from the horses mouth!