Q. How do you change a duck into a popular 70's & 80's singer? A. Put it in a microwave & it's Bill Withers.
I've just taken my grandad to one of those fancy spas where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost £35 but was still cheaper than a funeral.
Next time someone wants a vegan meal, serve them up a steak and tell them it's quorn. They're always saying "it's just like meat, you can't tell the difference" The proof of the quorn is in the eating.
Apparently Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner. She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
My girlfriend dumped me when I said I wanted to walk her down the aisle. Apparently "wines and spirits" was not what she expected.
I went to see the Doctor this morning. "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth". "You don't need a Doctor you need a Psychiatrist". "I know, but your light was on !"
