The hardest day of my life was when I was 6 years old, my father went out to buy a packet of cigarettes and never came back. I had to go a whole f*cking day without a smoke.
Just went to download an App called 'Shpock', and ended up with a Sean Connery tribute to Leonard Nimoy.
My wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. But then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went round to my mum’s place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me. Honestly, women take me for a right mug.
Unfortunately my clinically obese parrot just died. It is, however, a great weight off my shoulders .....
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a (northern) Irishman walk into a pub. Then they all have to leave because the Englishman wants to.
the englishman had forgotton his wallet the scotsman wasnt going to buy a round and the irishman was not going to drink on his own
Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars. What a load of crap. I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is: "Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?" After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"
