My german girlfriend likes to give me a rating out of 10 during sex. For example last night I shoved it in her arse, she started shouting nine nine! Best ****en score yet,
The old man worked for the council roading department for 20 years then got sacked for stealing. I didn't believe it at first......... but when I got home I saw all the signs.
Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to a fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!
The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
Essex Hurricane Appeal A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White stilettos White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans KFC Ice cream Cans of Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine £5 buys ***s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **BREAKING NEWS** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut... "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
I love the old tommy cooper gags...sorry if any re-posts!!.... My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'...I had the car out in thirty seconds. One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'. So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'. I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....but she's good with the kids.... "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays". A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." A couple of other favourites... I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.' A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
My favourite Tommy cooper gag " went downstairs to find the car parked in the living room" Asked the wife "how did that get there ? "Easy " she said, " I just drove through the front door & turned left at the kitchen ".
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough …. once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "**** it"…. soldier on.
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan **** yourself!” [The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until...] DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan **** yourself!”?
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.' Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech... At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"? ----
Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive! --- Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once
