A dwarf goes to see her GP and says she has a rather delicate problem "I've got what I can only describe as an itching sensation 'down there' if you understand" "Well I'll need to examine you so could you stand up on my desk?" She hops up onto the desk and the doctor lifts up her skirt and puts his head under it. All she can hear is snip, snip snip then the doctor pulls his head back and says "how does that feel now?" "Erm, it is a big improvement doctor but I can still feel a slight itch" she says. "Ok, wait just a minute" he replies and goes back under her skirt and she hears more snip, snip, snip sounds. After a while the doctor pops back out and says "how's that now?" "Well, actually that is fantastic! It doesn't itch at all now, what did you do Doc?" "I trimmed the tops of your Ugg boots"
Political correctness gone mad! I"m advertising for a new job at my company and so in the advert I politely put "Muslims and Jews need not apply." Muslims are generally cool about it, Jews don"t care - it"s just those f*ckers from the council who are round straight away threatening me with a court summons for active racial discrimination. Stupid, dopey bastards. I"m a pork butcher, for f*ck"s sake.
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my Mrs. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late
Just saw a chap in Homebase shouting abuse at cans of adhesive. Must be awful to be glue tin intolerant
Hope what happened with Serena Williams doesn't affect her mattress contract too. It would be the second time this week she'd have lost her tempur.
