Christmas day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
True story: Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars, £5 for busses. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £360 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds!... .....And no one even knows his name
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!!"
Sadly an urban myth, started as an April Fools After an April Fool’s story in the Evening Post three years ago, the rogue tale of a parking attendant who pocketed cash from visiting cars and coaches for decades, made its way around the globe on spam emails, blogs and internet forums. The story in the widely-circulated email stated that the car park at Bristol Zoo had been manned by a single attendant for 23 years, who had taken advantage of a mix-up between the Bristol Zoo and the city council over who was responsible for the operation to collect drivers’ money for himself before retiring on the proceeds. Bristol Zoo insisted there had never been any confusion over parking attendants and made it clear it had several attendants and more than one car park. But keep the jokes flowing Mr Duck, and thanks!
I was walking out of ASDA just now with my shopping when a man approached me and asked, "Would you be interested in joining the AA?" F*ck sake, just because I have 20 bottles of beer in my trolley you have me down as an alcoholic. Judgemental b*stard.
Poor old Jeremy Corbyn's in trouble again for choosing McAfee antivirus on his laptop. They're accusing him of being Anti Symantec
A fire starts in the Catholic boys home and as two priests run out one says to the other "What about the children?!" to which the other priest shouts "F.uck the children!" first priest says "Oh, do you think we'll have time?"
I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds " Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.." Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do..." Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jack: "Then we'd like to use this shop for our wedding presents list..."
