I was getting chatted up by a bird last night. She said, "Have you got a nickname?" "Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge" "OH... Is that because you are sleek and fast?" she giggled "No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England .
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead" I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a ****.
A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.
A Canadian Pacific Airlines plane leaves Vancouver Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same."
A scottish christmas joke A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
I got a wonderful Jimmy Saville gold track suit for my birthday I have taken it back as it didn't seem to be two different sizes At Primark they said sorry but no refunds on this item The tops are an adult size but it's a product design to squeeze into the children's bottoms
Dropped a box of maltesers at a weight watchers meeting last night.... It was like watching a live game of hungry hippos! I was taking the dog for a walk the other day, when the Mrs started tutting and taking her shoe off. "What's up with you?" I asked. "I've got a stone in my shoe," she snarled. I said, "You've got 20 stone in the other ****er and thats not bothering you..... keep walking!" Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner for me ......sittin at the table with a fat bird that does'nt gobble any more! I've finally found something my missus doesn't look big in ..... The distance ....
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.
I was in a pub last nite, had a few and noticed 2 large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so i asked, hey are you 2 ladies from Scotland? one of them chirped "its Wales you idiot". So i apologized and said, Sorry are you 2 whales from Scotland? Then the lights went out.
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a number of times of this happening, the teacher became increasingly worried and asked him about it. Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye." So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word". The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive shiner again. "My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?" He turns to explain: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving {you know} at the same time. Mom was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place while squealing like a demented hyena on the bed".... Then my father asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. *They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said 'Wait for me...â
And here's a joke for all you cultured Francophiles "Why did the French chef commit suicide?" He lost "l'huile d'olive." Thank you, and Merry Xmas all.
That translates as "Olive oil " for those who didn't google translate ( or who like me had to retake GCSE French ). Not funny at all in French I suppose.
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"
I went to our firms christmas party last night. They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Cum on Eileen' .I was asked to leave shortly after that..
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE... (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about 'nothing'. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...'Go to Hell... ' (9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
