A Policeman was driving down Lover's Lane late one summer's night when he spotted a car at the side of the road with the windows all steamed up. He got out of his motor and walked over to inspect the goings on. To his surprise there was a man in the driving seat with a girl sat with her arms folded and a face like a smacked arse in the back seat. The driver wound his window down and said "Can I help you Officer?" to which the PC said "How old is that girl sat in the back there?" The Driver says "She's 15 Officer" The Policeman replies "Oh it's like that then is it? When is she 16 then?" The Driver looks at his dashboard clock and says with a disgruntled tone "In about half an hour"
I walked into the warehouse with a industrial-sized roll of bubble wrap this morning. I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with it. He replied, "just pop it in the corner". It took me flippin' ages!
Went to the doctors the other day wearing just my cling film pants. He said, "I can clearly see your nuts".
Went to the doctor the other day and said "doctor, I've got a steering wheel down my pants, it's driving me nuts".
Went to the doctors the other day with a strawberry stuck up my bum, he said," I'll give you some cream to put on that".
An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the dr. He turns up two days later with an empty jar. The nurse asked 'why no sperm sample?....he says 'sorry, i tried with my right hand, then with my left, then my wife tried with both hands, then her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out, we even got Ethel next door to have a go but it was no good. We just cant get the ****in jar open!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No More blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! .. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading Cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook ....... you're gone.'
I wish everyone would stop criticising the late Jimmy Savile. When I was eight years old he fixed it for me to milk a cow whilst blindfolded.
A recent scientific study found that different male faces were attractive to women, depending where they were during their menstual cycle, When a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features, When she is menstruating she prefers......... A man doused in petrol and set on fire with scisssors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump rammed up his arse , !!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
Just been to the supermarket With the wife, and out of the blue she says " You are one lazy ****" Well **** me, I nearly fell out of the trolley !
A teacher says "Ok class I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home." Susie says "We need a computer." Wendy says "We could do with a car." Little Johnny says "We don't need anything miss!" Teacher says "Come on Johnny everyone needs something?" No Miss, my sister came home with her new maori boyfriend and my dad said that's all we ****ing need.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!” Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.” He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!” Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!” They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.” The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!” Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
Woman constantly carry on about how they can fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship but we all know the real heroes are us men we can fake a relationship for the sake of a **** ....
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "****, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket - £95.00 Court Costs - £45..00 Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter Than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what The situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
I was in the Coffee Club recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me⦠And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old timesâ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots? he asks.. 'What's that supposed to mean?' She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
Happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said " get that ****ing trolley over here, they`re doing three cases of Stella for the price of two. "
