I got sent out of class today at school for being too sarcastic. The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect." Those who answered "spine" are now doctors The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
A NEWLYWED couple move into their new house.One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Plumber?” A few days go by, he comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Kwik Fit?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife says: “Honey, the roof’s leaking. Can you please fix it?” He says: “What do I look like, Tommy Walsh?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks what happened. His wife says: “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them.” “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. She replies: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Mary Berry?”
What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other? Annette.
I went to a restaurant and ordered "soup of the day" for starters. The waiter brought the soup .Five minutes later, I called the waiter and said, "I can't eat this!" The waiter said, "Sir, our chef has cooked the same soup, to the same recipe for the last 12 years and nobody has ever complained until now, why can't you eat it?" I said, "because you didn't bring me a spoon, you daft twat!"
My blonde wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!" I replied, "The plane hasn't landed yet."
The England team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday. "It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Vladimir, aged 6.
I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 meter roll of bubble wrap?" He replied, "Just pop it in the corner." ...............4 f*cking hours it took me!
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine. Ayr Town centre.
