If you kill yourself , it's called suicide . If you kill someone , it's called homicide. If you kill thousands , it's called genocide . If you kill the King , it's called regicide . If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide . And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside .
Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don't think he will finish his sentence.
At an English university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to a student, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the diligent student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of another student. "Elation," she said. "And you, sir," he said to an American student, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Yank replied, "Sir, I believe that would be "giddy up"."
Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club; The first fan blamed...: "I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great club." The second fan blamed...: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more goals." The third fan blamed...: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."
Women are very strange creatures. They love lingerie and they love car boot sales. Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless b*stard.
A beautiful blonde goes to see the doctor with a wrinkly old woman, and says "I've come to see you about a medical." The doctor says "OK, go behind the screen and take your clothes off." The blonde says "No, it's not for me, it's for my granny." The doc says to granny "OK, then, stick your tongue out."
Before I started university I woefully misunderstood the concept of a ‘gap year’ and spent the next twelve months wedged in a narrow crevice in Kettering.
My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?" I texted back "Noo!" My phone autocorrect my response to "Moo!" Please send help!
