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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. QPR999

    QPR999 Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

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    "It's a boy! It's a boy!''

    I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.
     
    #21
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  2. hammersmith hoopton

    hammersmith hoopton Active Member

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    I was in the pub celebrating winning £8 million quid on the lottery,then my ex-wife walked in and demanded half."Sure" i said,it's the least i can do,she said "what are you serious!Oh thank you ,thank you so much"."Alright love,calm down.Fosters or carling"?
     
    #22
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  3. hammersmith hoopton

    hammersmith hoopton Active Member

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    I tried erotic asphyxiation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.She obviously didn't like it,she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!
     
    #23
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  4. hammersmith hoopton

    hammersmith hoopton Active Member

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    My neighbour just told me that someone has been stealing her underwear.I almost shat her knickers.
     
    #24
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  5. KooPeeArr

    KooPeeArr Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant!

    I reckon we're all going to hell for these - I think Hammersmith Hoopton will be leading the march though (I don't recall you being a comedian on the "who are you" thread but superb anyway mate).
     
    #25
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  6. hammersmith hoopton

    hammersmith hoopton Active Member

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    Dear Deirdre
    I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.As i was knocking one out i turned to notice my wife just stood there,arms folded...watching me...
    Is she a pervert?
     
    #26
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Same Sex marriage

    Michael and Gary got married in California.

    They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
    She replies, 'No'.
    Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
    She replies, 'No.'
    Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
    'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
    His mom says, 'No.'
    He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'



    He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'
     
    #27
  8. Sooperhoop

    Sooperhoop Well-Known Member

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    Pedro and Sancho are lost in the Mexican desert at the time of the Alamo, with the sun beating down on them and no water or food they're on their last legs and beginning to hallucinate. As Pedro looks down into the valley he suddenly sees something in the distance and turns to Sancho excitedly and shouts:

    "Look Sancho, ees a bacon tree!"

    "Que?"

    "Eet ees, ees a bacon tree!"

    "No, you ees crazy Pedro"

    "eet ees, eet ees......."

    Pedro finds the energy to run towards the bacon tree and is cut down in a hail of bullets, as he lay dying he utters...

    "Sancho my friend be careful...

    "Ees...












    "Ees...










    "Ees...









    "A hambush!"...:grin:
     
    #28
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poureda thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

    The voice came once more,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



    She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

    The voice replied,



    "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
     
    #29
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A couple had been married for 50 years.
    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
    'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
    together.'
    'I know,' the old man said.
    'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
    'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
    Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
    'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
    'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
    'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
    'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
     
    #31
  12. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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    A couple have been married for 40 years and decide to celebrate their anniversary by booking into the same honeymoon suite at the same hotel that they stayed in all those years ago. As they're getting undressed on opposite sides of the bed, the wife turns to her husband and asks,"what were you thinking at this precise moment 40 years ago?"

    The husband replies,"I was thinking about how much I wanted to **** your brains out and suck your tits dry".

    "And what are you thinking about now?" she asks mischievously.

    The husband looks her up and down and says,"I'm thinking what a good job I must have done..."
     
    #32
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  13. N22hoop

    N22hoop Well-Known Member

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    Frank Carson goes through the pearly gates and the first person he sees is Whitney Houston. She says 'Frank, I've always loved you. Welcome to heaven -come on -give us one of you famous sayings'. He replies 'Its a crackhead!'
     
    #33
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  14. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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    The Rs are staying up.
     
    #34
  15. KooPeeArr

    KooPeeArr Well-Known Member

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    ...it's 11 v 11.
     
    #35
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  16. Ciarrai_Abu

    Ciarrai_Abu Well-Known Member

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    The joke is on us. Players earning vast sums of money who are not prepared to put up a fight.
     
    #36
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  17. RicardoHCAFC

    RicardoHCAFC Well-Known Member
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    I couldn't care less about the Olympics. Last week my girlfriend brought home a pack of those Olympic condoms they've released, thought she'd try and help me get into them that way. I wasn't sure which one to use, they're done in the different colours for the medals and it doesn't explain the difference, so I just got the gold one thinking it would be the best. Before I could even open it she's all "oh no you don't, get that one away you can use the silver one". I asked her what the difference was, apparently it might help if I had something to remind me that I can come second once in a while.

    I'll have the last laugh though, her sister is visiting next weekend and I've saved the bronze one.
     
    #37
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils


    Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

    1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

    6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

    11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

    15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

    20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

    22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
     
    #38
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

    I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.......
    she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

    It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
    A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.



    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

    17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please."


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?"
    Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.

    They've sent my form back.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back
     
    #39
  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Defense Attorney:
    Will you please state your age?

    Little Old Lady:
    I am 94 years old.

    Defense Attorney:
    Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened after he sat down?

    Little Old Lady:
    He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    He began to rub my breasts.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
    'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

    Defense Attorney:
    Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady:
    Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
     
    #40

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